My big kindergartener who just turned five on Wednesday is off at school. My baby is asleep in his crib and my Little Girl is quietly playing. It's quiet in my home today. Even the swam cooler with it's incessant droning has been shut off leaving a blissful quietness that I never know is missing from my life until the fall.
My life feels good right now. I'm at peace with decisions I have been struggling with for a while and I have received answers to prayer. I can't help but marvel at the timing of everything. I have very definite trends in my life, seasons if you will where I struggle and just can't seem to figure anything out. There are two things that I've noticed that coincide with these seasons.
The first one is very closely related to the age of my youngest child. Baby Boy is very soon going to be ten months old. I've noticed that when my babies are still very young and their needs are very constant that those are one of the times I struggle the most with them. That's not to say that I don't enjoy that time because I do immensely, but it is one of the most physically exhausting times for me. The frequent getting up in the middle of the night, constant holding while trying to do housework at the same time, and then I had to go and add starting my own business and waking up at 5:00am each morning to make sure I have time for personal scripture study and time to write, all these things make life exhausting. But now that Baby Boy is a little older and loves to crawl around and play on the floor, I'm able to get things done without holding him and he's starting to sleep more consistently through the night. You may not think of it that way but that makes a huge difference in my energy level and life in general. The other part of this too would have to be pregnancy. Without going into the difficulties of pregnancy because I know several of my friends who would gladly and willingly go through even some of the most difficult of times if it mean that they could have a little one, I will only say that it is a difficult time on your body and messes with your mind. Pregnancy Brain is real people.
The second thing that coincides with my difficult season is the summer time. I am not a summer person. I do not do well in hot weather. Where I live, believe me when I say that it gets very hot and stays very hot for long periods of time. Now true, this has been a very mild summer but it was still difficult for me. Hot weather just seems to melt my thinking ability, melts my energy and the constant droning of the swamp cooler and whinny kids because they too are hot not to mention the loud nature of the neighborhood during the summer, don't make things any better. Then add a baby into the mix and you've got a recipe for one tired, exhausted, melting mother mess. For some of you just getting to know me, I grew up in the mountains on forty acres of heaven. Yes it still would get hot but it was quiet, no close neighbors to really worry about and the evenings cooled off wonderfully. So as a mountain girl, being stuck in the city wears on me at times.
So maybe these things are why I'm finally able to come out of my difficult season at this time. My baby's older and the weather is getting cooler meaning I can finally think. Ahhh. . . it's so nice. Do you want to see something interesting (it shows how even though other things may be difficult, the cooler weather still some how seems to make things a little more bearable. Humm, maybe I should move to a cooler climate so that I have less difficult seasons. I know, I know, off on a tangent.) Ok, here goes. . .
Fall 2010 -very pregnant and uncomfortable then a newborn.
Fall 2009 -Bryce just started a new and wonderful job. October pregnant, November miscarriage
fall 2008 -still very young baby girl, no job, very stressful time.
fall 2007 -Little Boy was a year old and I was going back to school, but then I had to add being pregnant on top of school which eventually made fall of that year quite a challenge. This is also when Bryce lost his job starting two full years of hardship and struggles.
fall 2006- Newborn Little Boy, first child and having absolutely no idea what I was even doing. (still don't really but I like to pretend I do :-)
Fall 2005- my most difficult semester of school ever and that was only because I was on a BC that I has having a very negative reaction too. Depression, Migraines, exhaustion, inability to function or go to class. When we discovered what was happening, the semester was over and that is when I vowed that I would never go on hormonal BC ever again.
Fall 2004- Newly wedded bliss, ignorant about so many things but enjoying life immensely.
And this year. . . 1) Three beautiful children filling life with may firsts (a blog post about that to come later) 2) an amazing husband who has devoted his life to making my life and the lives our our children better by working full time, going to school full time, spending as much time with us as he can and serving the Lord in any way possible, 3) a renewed determination and confirmation that I am suppose to write. The book I began writing two years ago is probably not the one that will eventually be published but that doesn't matter. I am writing for me and because when I get down to it, it fills every part of my being with joy and an assurance that I have been given this talent and gift for a purpose. You may not see it through my wonderful, immaculate example of a blog (total sarcasm), but I am a writer. Yes, I am a wife and mother and business owner and a million other title that you can throw at me but I am also a writer and it's time I start acting like one. 4)Peace. The world may be in an upheaval but I will feel peace. People around me may do things that seem contrary to what they should, I will not worry about it. I will will feel peace. Things in my life may be completely out of my hands and out of my control, but I will feel peace. My goal is to have less seasons in my life where I struggle with trying to figure who I am and what I am suppose to be doing, and to have more seasons where I feel joy and peace and assurance that I am doing what is right for me and those things that the Lord would have me do. I am still trying to figure out what Heavenly Father wants me to become, but I am determined now to be that person. I won't magically become that person at some future date. I have to choose to become that person today and work hard, striving for it, ever reaching for it.
Here is one of my most favorite talks from the last general conference. It is a talk give my Elder Oaks where he talks about desire. I promise you will feel inspired by it.
Elder Oaks April 2011 "Desire"
I hope all of you are able to have wonderful, amazing day full of discovery and renewed determination to become the person you want to be.
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